You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
