Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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