If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
