is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
