Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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