Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
barbara walters just said penis...
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
soo... how was my night?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
