Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
