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So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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