I'm laying in your front yard are you home
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
