Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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