P.S. I can't hear my feet
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize