He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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