Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
