I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
