Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
