my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
