I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
