And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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