dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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