before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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