You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
