finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
