The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize