did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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