I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
