Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
