I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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