apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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