So drunk its hurt
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
