i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
