The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
