This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
