Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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