Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
