I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
