Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
