If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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