i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
