got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
