After last night, I could never be a politician.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
