just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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