Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
