Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
