Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
