Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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