how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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