no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
