I'm so fucking centered right now
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
