Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
