grandma shit on top of the toilet
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
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