i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
