I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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