I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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