Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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