if only i could text you this smell
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
