Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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