fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
