Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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