She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
