um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
