I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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