Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
